I don't feel pretty

I present myself as a very confident and strong person. I think most people believe that I am exactly that. The truth is I'm somewhat insecure. I don't believe I'm pretty. I find it hard to believe anyone would be attracted to me. I used to hide behind my weight as the reason why I wouldn't ask someone out or go out on a date. When I met Josh in college, I questioned every day why he would be with me, and waited every day for him to wake up and realize he could do better.

This is hard for me to share openly, because it exposes my vulnerability. However, I am hoping that facing it head on will help me break down my insecurity.

I hid behind my weight for a long time. It was almost my safety net. As long as I was overweight I didn't have to figure out or deal with my real insecurities. Now that I have come so far with my weight loss, I'm having to face it head on.

The thing is, I'm a pretty happy individual and I love interacting with people. For the most part I think I'm an extrovert. I love meeting new people and making new friends. Yet, when it comes to the opposite sex and actually expressing affection or making the first move to ask someone out, I can't do it. The same little voice is always in my head that tells me that I'm not pretty enough and he'll reject me. That's not to say I don't date. I just don't date anyone that doesn't ask me out. The problem with that is that I seem to get into a cycle of dating "not so nice" guys or some real losers. There have been a few people I've met that I think I could have really hit it off with, but I was too afraid to approach them, even if I thought they may actually like me. It's just too hard for me to conceive that they would. I put myself in situations with men that always turn out to be bad, because subconsciously I'm convincing myself I don't have any other options.

I'm at a point now that I want to start dating again and possibly be in a real relationship, but I fear the rejection. I still have a hard time convincing myself that I'm attractive. Honestly, I don't always believe that I am. I do love myself and I do realize that I have a lot of really great qualities. I don't believe that I have low self-esteem, I just don't "believe" that I'm pretty. I don't know if that makes sense or not, but it's how I feel.

When people compliment me and tell me I look good, it's hard for me to take in. I don't really know how to reply, other than to just smile or say thanks, all the while I'm thinking "whatever, you think I'm ugly". I don't know where that really stems from other than the fact that for most of my life I have been overweight and I was always teased and made fun of, so I think that takes a toll psychologically after so many years of it. I'm not really sure how to combat this little voice in my head that keeps me believing I'm ugly.

I know there is so much more to me than my looks, and I look for so much more in another person than that as well. Unfortunately, I think people are very much focused on appearance first and foremost. If you are not attracted to someone physically, you aren't really going to try to get to know them and find out what other great qualities they have, are you?

So, my new challenge is learning how to feel beautiful and get beyond these insecurities. If there's anything I've learned thus far in my life, the only way to conquer a fear is to face it head on. Watch out single men of San Diego.....

Random Acts of Debbie asks that you take a moment and comment, good or bad, I welcome it all!