It would seem strange for the average person to say that they didn't think they'd make it to 33, but given my past, it's a major accomplishment to me.
As my birthday approaches and my life is in upheaval, I can't help but reflect upon my past, and contemplate my future. The way I look at it is, that I've been through so much in these first 33 years, that maybe the next 66 (or however many I'm blessed with) will be the best years of my life. Maybe I was just meant to get the bad out of the way to make room for all the good?! Right??
I find myself crying more and more these days and I don't really know why. Maybe it's a third life crisis? I feel emotions way more than I ever have before. When I'm happy, I'm REALLY happy, and when I'm sad I'm REALLY sad. Is this normal?
I attribute some of these new emotions to this blog and finally releasing myself from all that has been bottled up inside of me for so long. There is something very freeing about writing it and sharing it with people. Yet, it brings back so many emotions and feelings and makes me really contemplate what I want out of life.
I used to think I had it all figured out. When I was in college I was all about having an amazing career and being one of the most successful women in history. I didn't want much, right?! My dreams were big and my ambition was out of this world. Where I am today is such a let down that I think it makes me incredibly sad. Is it too late to be all that I wanted? Have I lost my drive? Do I even have what it takes? I don't know if I can answer these questions. I've never doubted myself before, this is very foreign to me. When it comes to my intelligence and my ability to do great things, I've never doubted myself for one moment. My self-confidence issues have always been with my physical appearance, but never with my skills and abilities.
I always thought I would be the one that would accomplish all I set out to do and that I wasn't just one of those people with big ideas in their 20's and fizzled out in their 30's. Yet, that's exactly what I've become. I keep thinking it's time for a big change, to take a giant leap, and set out on a new adventure. All I've done to this point is run away from one bad situation to another. I've become so trapped by the financial stability my career brings, that I'm denying myself the opportunity to prove my true potential.
Have I become materialistic? Can I really not live without the extra "perks" and comforts that come with being financially stable? I mean some of the best years of my life have been when I had no money and I really didn't care. So why do I care now?? Now I have to ask myself if I'm ready to give it all up and take that leap....and what exactly is that leap? Is it law school? Is it opening my own business? Is it moving to another country? Or maybe it's all of the above?
Why should I impose any limits on myself? While I would rather not be alone and I have had ideals of being married with children, the fact of the matter is I'm single and free. I have nothing that binds me to any one place or anything at all for that matter. With that kind of freedom, I could do anything....I could make the impossible possible...can't I?
I have faced death multiple times in my life already and I was given more than one second chance. I think I'm meant to do great things and why waste such an amazing gift?
I believe a new chapter in my life is about to begin very soon....
1 comment:
You are free because you are ugly and self centered. You could pay a man to stay with you for one month much less lifetime. Stop the sluttiness.
Post a Comment