When my sister got sick and the possibility of losing someone I loved was full force in my life again, so many emotions came flooding back to me that have left me feeling a little empty. Josh was the love of my life. He is that void I'm feeling. I never believed in soul mates until I met him. Never did I smile so big and so much as I did when I was around him. I felt so alive when I was with him and nothing in the world seemed impossible. We were together 9 years and I thought I would be with him forever. Until that tragic night when he gave his life to save mine. I can't help but always wonder if it was really supposed to be me.
I started dating Josh my freshman year of college. It was funny how I met him. He was my orientation guide at the summer preview before I started school the fall of 1995. I remember when I first saw him I was instantly smitten. He was adorable and when he would say my name I would always blush a little. He was a junior. When I came back in the fall, I saw him a couple of times, but could never get the courage to go up and talk to him. One night maybe 3 months into the school year I went out to a bar - Avalanche (probably not around anymore) with my fake ID and thought I was all cool. I was with a couple of friends and the bartender brought me a drink and said the guy at the end of the bar bought it for me. It was Josh! I instantly turned red and my little voice inside was telling me to "play it cool" and not say something dumb as was my typical MO. He came over and sat next to me, but didn't say anything. Then he slipped me a napkin that said "aren't you only 18 missy?" Then I thought, great this guy is a jerk and is going to rat me out. This was probably a good thing, because then my nerves calmed down a little and I went to being annoyed. That's when my sarcastic and humorous personality came out. We ended up exchanging a few quick witted napkin notes and before I knew it we were talking and laughing all night long. It was all over from that point, I was hooked on this guy.
The next year was the best year of my life, I couldn't imagine ever being happier than I was then. We had the best relationship. He always knew how to give me the independence I desired, but yet we had a really close relationship. There wasn't anything we didn't know about each other. Probably the only person I've ever loved unconditionally.
Then second semester of my sophomore year tragedy came knocking on my door. Some of you know the story, some of you don't, but it's not a memory I care to bring back up. All that matters is my life was turned upside down again. I nearly died, I had 27 stab wounds that left me in the hospital for a very long time and many reconstructive surgeries. Psychologically I was destroyed. I went into deep depression, nearly dropped out of school, and went into self-preservation mode and decided gaining weight and isolating myself from the world was the best thing to do. Despite all of that, Josh never left me, never changed how he looked at me, never stopped loving me for a second. I loved him even more for that, even though I pushed him so far away.
He graduated school and took a job in Chicago. I got my act together and rebounded at school and got myself back to the top again, achieving the Dean's list again and again. At least I had gotten that back. Josh came to see me frequently and I went to Chicago numerous times and we were happy.
It was 1999 the first time he proposed to me. I don't know why, but I instantly said no. As much as I loved him, I think I have an underlying fear of committing myself to anyone. I don't know why. He understood and we were still incredibly happy. I graduated in 2000 and moved to the suburbs of Chicago. We didn't initially live together until I realized all I could afford were the slums of the suburbs and I couldn't take it anymore. I moved to Kenosha and he moved with me. The first year was awful. Living together really tests a relationship. I thought we were going to end it for sure. We even decided to have an open relationship and started seeing other people for a while. We did that for close to a year or more. That was actually really great for us, because it only proved to me how much more I loved him. No one else could compare. He asked me to marry him again in 2002 and I instantly said no. Don't ask me why.
Life was good and we were really happy together. I was doing well in my career and he was excelling in his. For the first time I was looking at him and really thinking I could spend the rest of my life with him and I even wanted a family. You all know that's a stretch for me!
When my birthday came around spring 2004, Josh's parents had invited us to their house in Madison to celebrate my birthday and to make us a special dinner. I was excited, I loved his family so much! They were my Wisconsin family! After dinner we were on the porch swing all curled up trying to keep warm and he just looked at me and I knew in his eyes he was about to ask me to marry him again. This time all I could think was I couldn't wait to say YES! As I expected he asked me, and without any hesitation I exclaimed "yes!" I couldn't believe it finally came out of my mouth. I was happier at that moment than I have ever been in my life so far. His mom and dad came running out of the house and just couldn't stop hugging me. It was such an incredible feeling.
Then I made the worst decision of my life. I decided we should drive back to Milwaukee that night, because I just had to tell my friends and celebrate. The original plan was for me to drive back that night because I had to work in the morning and Josh was going to stay the weekend with his family. I convinced him to drive back with me and then we would both go stay the weekend with his family the following week. It was somewhat late at night, so there wasn't a lot of traffic on the highway. I was driving in front of Josh and he was trailing me (of course, since I drive so fast). I was on my cell phone telling the world of my engagement. Josh would always pay attention when we would drive together to see if I was on my phone, and he would take the lead position so that he could watch out for me and if I were going to hit anyone, it would be him. So he sped up to get in front of me. About 10 miles later a semi-truck swerved from the opposite side of the highway at an incredibly fast speed and before anyone could react he slammed right into the side of Josh's jeep. The jeep went tumbling, flipping over and over and over again, before landing upside down on the other side of the highway. I ran from my car to Josh and I could see he was badly hurt. He had reached his arm out to me and he told me not to be sad and that whatever happened he would always love me and he just wanted me to be happy. He said that I should go on with my life and do everything I've ever imagined and to love again. I didn't want to believe he would die. As the police and ambulance arrived, I already knew, it was too late. His grip on my hand was gone. I was destroyed.
I've spent a long time trying to recover from Josh's death and to move on with my life and with love. I haven't succeeded or even come close to finding that kind of love again. I think I probably avoid it on purpose because I can't imagine feeling that kind of pain ever again.
I think about him always and I don't believe I will ever truly get over losing the love of my life.
I miss you, Josh.
Random Acts of Debbie asks that you take a moment and comment, good or bad, I welcome it all!
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