There was once a time when I would pass by a window or a mirror and catch my reflection and my immediate reaction was to sink my head in depression and immediately turn away so I no longer had to face the reality of what I was seeing. It seemed to occur to me most when I saw my reflection just how "disgusting" I was or felt. It was the same when I saw my shadow. It was like ghostbusters when you see the shadow of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man coming upon you.
Even after I lost weight I still couldn't see my new self, I continued to see the fat girl I always saw. People would compliment me all the time and tell me I looked great, but I would just grin and say "yeah right", because I didn't see it. It didn't matter that my clothes size was going down, my mental image of myself was still that of the fat girl I always new myself to be. It was like that movie Shallow Hal only in reverse. Everyone else could see me as thinner, but that's not what I saw.
Over the last year I've been focusing less on the physical changes and more on my mental changes of adapting to what really is a new life for me. I've started to embrace my new image and with that has come a new attitude.
Although, I may have swung too far in the other direction, because now I think I look at myself too much and enjoy my reflection a little more than I should. I may be a little vain...lol. Seriously, the other day I was walking past a Peet's Coffee shop and I caught my reflection in the window. Somehow, it escaped me that I was standing in front of the window of a Peet's, all I saw was my reflection and I liked it. I stopped for a moment and kind of admired myself and after a few minutes of doing this, I realized where I was standing, and I realized the patrons of Peet's sitting on the other side of the window laughing at my retardation. Although, embarrassing, I had to laugh at myself.
I also enjoy seeing my shadow these days too. I look down at it as I walk and I think "is that really me?"..."where's the rest of it?!" It's nice, because it's really starting to kick in what I've accomplished and I'm finally starting to enjoy it. I've even discovered a new love of clothing. There was once a time I hated the idea of buying clothes and never gave a crap about fashion or looking good. Now, I love to shop (maybe that's a bad thing) and I love thinking about all the cute ways I can pair and match different things. I even discovered I love dresses and skirts! If you know me, you will know that's a big deal!
So, now when I see my reflection or pass by a mirror my reaction isn't to sink my head and run away, it's to say "hello beautiful!", smile, hold my head up, and walk away happy :)
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