I've been getting this question a lot lately and I have to admit, it's really starting to drive me nuts! Although, when I reflect on why people ask me this, I realize that they really don't understand the disorder I have.
I mean, from an outsiders perspective I am a vegan, I exercise 6-7 days a week and I maintain a pretty healthy lifestyle. So, why would I need to pay such close attention to calories? Why wouldn't I just eat when I'm hungry and not worry about it? I would probably ask the same questions if I didn't know any better.
I have an eating disorder. That is not hard for me to say anymore. Growing up obese and being obese up until my thirties, I never really acknowledged that I had an eating disorder. I knew I was fat, but that's all it was to me. I'm fat and I just have to deal with being fat. I didn't really admit to what it was until I turned 30. An eating disorder, just like any other disorder or addiction, is not something you're ever cured of...it's a lifelong illness/disease that needs to be managed and controlled.
For the rest of my life I will always have to think about what I eat, think about the choices I make, and work hard to maintain the balance I've found. I've been told that it's obsessive and unhealthy to think so carefully about how much I eat and to punish myself when I "splurge". I've thought about that a lot. I do understand that point of view. Food shouldn't be something we obsess about, it's just fuel after all. We shouldn't hate ourselves because we had half a cup of ice cream, when that is not what we eat everyday all the time. I get it. I get that it might be considered an unhealthy attitude towards food....but do you get what happens to me when I have that half a cup of ice cream, when I have that one cookie, when I go out to eat and allow myself that one special entree? If you haven't had an eating disorder, you don't. That one cookie triggers that addiction and sends me into a spiral that is very hard to get out of...I want another cookie. Then I have one more and I decide that I've already "cheated" so I can have another and another and another. The regret is almost immediate, the pain is not far behind (my system can't handle that kind of eating anymore)...and the emotional damage is unrepairable. Seem a bit extreme to you? I can see that. Yet, that's my life. That's what happens to me on a daily basis.
Don't get me wrong, I don't suffer every day. I don't hate my life. I don't deny myself the things I enjoy. I've found a balance in my life that allows me to eat the foods I enjoy and maintain the healthy body that I've come to cherish. I never want to go back to the way I was. I was truly unhealthy and had one foot in the grave. It's not a good way to live. I love my life the way it is today...but that means counting calories and talking about food and thinking about food each and every day.
Why am I writing this? Because, I wanted to provide some perspective to those of you that have never experienced this kind of disorder. When you see me counting out my pistachios and weighing my eggplant or measuring my hummus down to the tablespoon...don't laugh at me. Don't tell me that it's stupid or ridiculous. It may seem absurd to you, but it's a huge part of my life. It's what keeps me in control. It's what allows me to live and love life. Would you tell an alcoholic that it's okay to have one beer now and then? No. So, why would you tell me it's okay to just eat when I'm hungry and not worry about the calories? Or to have that one indulgence?
Now, I'm going to have that one lifesaver I saved for and go to bed. Yes, I'm serious...one lifesaver (10 calories btw)!
