I want my cupcake!!

Last summer I learned I had to have open heart surgery to repair a tear in my heart. The funny thing is, I didn't know anything was wrong with my heart. I never had any pains or obvious symptoms. The way I found out was because I moved into a new condo and when I was unpacking my cups and mugs I dropped a mug on my foot and when it shattered a piece of glass stabbed the top of my foot. It was such a bloody mess, you would have thought I was going to need stitches or something awful. So, I went to urgent care (of course!) and when they brought me back to evaluate my situation they checked my heartbeat. The nurse thought it sounded off and had the doctor double check. He thought there was some irregularity as well. So, they had me go through a few x-rays and do an EKG.

When they actually got to treating my foot, they cleaned it up and all that blood was from the tiniest little cut on my foot. The doctor pretty much put a band-aid on it and acted like he was "kissing the boo-boo". So embarrassing...but so lucky it happened as it turns out...

A week or so after that my doctor called me and said he had received some of my test results and x-rays from the urgent care doctor and he needed to talk to me right away. WHAT?! How can a doctor leave a voicemail like that? I was freaking out! When I finally got in contact with him he told me that the tests and film suggested I had a tear in my heart that was not currently life threatening, but needed to be treated. I guess I was relieved and nervous at the same time. I had been through a similar surgery 12 years ago and it was touch and go.

This all stemmed from an attack when I was 20. I was jogging home one night and I went through my usual path, which just happened to be in a dark and unsecured area on the backside of campus. I am smart, but my common sense didn't kick in back then. I was attacked as I was jogging past the large campus parking lot that was mostly empty. I was stabbed 27 times and surely should have died, but in some miracle I survived. At one point in the ambulance on the way to the hospital, I was told that they called in that I was "DOA". That's how bad it was. The doctors and surgeons that worked on me back then were amazing. They stopped at nothing to save my life. They had to work very hard on my heart though, it was badly damaged.

The recent tear happened because of my change in activity and I stressed my heart more than it had ever been, so the original "repair" job didn't hold up. There was some concern my heart was too damaged or scarred from the previous surgery to hold up to another one.

I had to have the surgery in Wisconsin, so I flew off on Tuesday night, still not sure what was going to happen. There was some possibility it could be minimally invasive surgery, but I wouldn't know that until my pre-op evaluation with the surgeon. Oh, and the surgeon...was the same one that saved me 12 years ago!

When it was time for my surgery I happily learned that they were going to be able to do minimally invasive and that meant they did not have to crack my chest and shorter recovery time! I was so happy about that! Plus they determined my heart was actually in very good shape! Yay across the board!

The surgery went very well and I was feeling lively already the day after. My sister and husband were there to support me prior to going off to enjoy their vacay in Chicago. I asked my sister to bring me a cupcake, because that's all I seemed to want as soon as I came to! I'm convinced the surgeon sewed up some cupcake in my heart! (kind of like the Seinfeld Jr. Mint episode.) So, my sister went out and found me my favorite cupcake...red velvet! Yum! The nurse had said I couldn't really have any sweets and there was a whole list of foods off limits, so my sister tried to smuggle in the cupcake. Unfortunately, the nurse caught her and took my cupcake! Tim asked for her to hold onto it and they would take it when they left. When they went to leave, Tim went to ask for it and it was gone! The nurse ate my cupcake!!

For the next two days attempts were made to smuggle me cupcakes, but that nurse was a cupcake Nazi! I've never craved anything so badly, it was miserable.

After I was released I went to stay with my friend Alicia until I was cleared to fly home to San Diego. She is a stickler for the rules, so I knew she wasn't going to get me a cupcake. However, I thought she might give in and give me some kind of a treat. I was right. She had made some cookies and said I could have just one! She left the cookie on a plate for me next to my bed and went off to work. I fell asleep shortly after, dreaming of eating that cookie. When I woke up, I found that her big fat 20 pound cat, Tinkerbell, ate my cookie!! Tinkerbell...how could you?! When Alicia got home, I told her how Tinkerbell ate my cookie, and I deserved another one. She said "no, how do I know if you ate the cookie? You snooze you lose!" Ugh, so mean!

I left Wisconsin having never received a cupcake or a cookie!! Damn you Wisconsin! Upon arriving in San Diego, all I could think of was getting a cupcake. I arrived home on a Wednesday and by Friday I managed to get out of the house and my friend Cecily finally made my cupcake fantasies come true! Thank you Heavenly Cupcake...it was so good!

Random Acts of Debbie asks that you take a moment and comment, good or bad, I welcome it all!

Single digit milestone!

As you may have guessed if you've read some of my other posts, I've been on a weight loss journey for some time. It started about 3 years ago after I threw out my back really bad. It was the worst it had ever been. I was essentially crippled. I couldn't stand, I couldn't walk, I couldn't sit, I couldn't turn my neck, I couldn't do much of anything. Of course, the reason given to me by my doctor was that I was overweight and my discs could no longer hold up to all that weight. They pumped me full of pain pills, muscle relaxers, and told me to lose weight. That's the normal speech I always got. It was at the same time, however, that my mom underwent back surgery and really did become crippled. It was an awful process for her and she's never really been okay since then. She also struggled with many other health issues and I suddenly saw my future. It hurts me a great deal to see how much my mom suffers. It hurts me even more to know how much it hurts her to see me repeating her lifestyle and health issues.

I made the decision to do something about it and I committed to it. From that point on, I have not veered off my path once. While I had times where I hit plateaus, I never went in reverse and gained any of the weight I lost. Slow and steady wins the race? Right?? I didn't go on any special diet or anything like that. I started slow by just cutting out some of my "bad habits", like soda and sweets. I didn't go cold turkey, I started by eating less of those things, moving to diet soda, etc. Slowly I learned to ween myself off these things until I could eliminate some of them and limit others. Through that process came a natural ability to learn how to eat. I learned what made my body feel good, what made me feel sluggish, how my body reacted to various foods. Things I never ate before became some of my favorite foods - vegetables, tofu, etc. I started out simple with exercise, just the treadmill at first. I bought a pretty cheap one and started off doing 10 minutes, 15 minutes, 20 minutes...working my way up until I was on it an hour or more. I got into a routine and I committed to it. After I hit a plateau with my weight loss I expanded to doing a little more than that at a gym and doing elliptical, spin bike, etc. I found that helped, but I was still not seeing the results I wanted. Luckily, through a friend of mine I found a personal trainer that specialized in kettlebell training. It literally changed my life! I saw immediate results and the pounds just melted away. People couldn't believe the changes they saw in me. I was dropping one size after the other. I've been sticking that for over a year now and it continues to improve my health and fitness.

At the beginning of my journey I was 302 pounds and wearing a size 28 jeans and 26/28 tops (sometimes 3x or 4x). I felt sluggish, tired, and always uncomfortable in my own skin.

This weekend I hit a milestone that at times I never thought I would achieve. The single digit milestone! I went into a store at the mall and found a pair of shorts I thought were cute. The last size I had fit into was a 10, so naturally that is what I grabbed to try on. Along with those, I found these cute jean shorts and grabbed those in a 10 as well. Once in the dressing room, I put the shorts on and they practically fell right off! Could it be?? Was I really an 8? That was once a far fetched dream. An 8 might not seem like such a milestone to some, but when you consider my journey and how far I've come, this was one of the happiest moments I've had in a long time. I almost burst into tears of joy. What was even more wonderful was when I asked the sales girl if she could bring me an 8, not only did she NOT give me the "AS IF" look, but she asked if I wanted a 6 too!! I loved that!

I don't believe anyone's size defines them and it doesn't define me. I did not lose weight because I wanted to fit a mold or be accepted by society. I didn't do it to make others happy. I did it because I truly wanted to have a good and healthy life. I didn't want my future limited for me because I didn't take care of myself. I saw the effects of obesity on my family and I wanted more for myself than that. I owed it to them and to myself to be healthy and happy. It brings me great joy to see how happy my mom is when I achieve these milestones. It's almost as if she is achieving these things with me. My family and friends are so proud of me and that makes me feel fantastic!

I hope this encourages you that if this is a choice you make for yourself and you want to make a change, it is possible. It is hard work and it does take time, but you can do it. First and foremost, you just have to love yourself. That's the most important life lesson I've learned.

Random Acts of Debbie asks that you take a moment and comment, good or bad, I welcome it all!

Fat girl in little coat

Have you ever seen the movie Tommy Boy? Remember when he puts on Richard's jacket and sings "fat guy in little coat" and then rips it? This is how I used to feel every time someone would offer me their coat or suggest I could wear something in their wardrobe.

I get the fact that people are just trying to be nice and if you say you are cold, the nice thing to do is to offer someone your jacket. However, if the person you are offering it to is clearly twice your size, what's the point? You know they can't fit into it, so don't offer!

No good deed goes unpunished, right? I'm serious though. Think about the other person. Yes, I'm cold, and I would love a jacket, but there is no way I am even getting an arm into it! All it does is create an awkward moment and make the person feel bad. What's worse is when I would try to kindly say "no thanks, I'll be ok" and then the person would insist and keep pushing the jacket on me. Sometimes all I could do is take it and then humiliate myself by trying to put it on until they would realize it wasn't going to fit. Then it would just be an uncomfortable moment and we move on.

Once, when I was a teenager and I was in New York, I was invited to go to a party at a nice club in Manhattan. The dress code was on the fancier side and I didn't have any really nice clothes. It was hard enough to find everyday clothes that fit! My friend, who was probably a size 2, suggested I go through her closet and find something to wear. I was at least 250+ pounds at the time. Was she serious?? This time I even said "nothing of yours is ever going to fit me" and she went on and insisted I was being ridiculous. Hello?? I think one of her dresses barely covered just one of my legs!

Another time I went clothes shopping with a couple of friends and one of them was plus size herself and the other was skinny. They were convinced I needed a new wardrobe and they could improve my life by finding me the perfect jeans and shirts. We went to the mall and the skinny one asked "where should we go?" Well, the only place I ever went was Lane Bryant, because that's all that fit me, but I didn't want to tell them that. There is a lot of shame imposed with being overweight. I look back and I wish had been more confident and not have let those things shame me so much. So, I remained quiet and just kind of shrugged. I had hoped the other friend that was on the larger size herself would suggest something and save me the embarrassment. She didn't say anything. My skinny friend then leads me into "Lucky's". As if!! I don't think Lucky's Brand Jeans went up to size 28! When I went into the store the sales girl looked at me and smirked and then immediately addressed my skinny friend to see what he was looking for. He replied and said "we're looking for some jeans for her." The sales girl looked at me with that "Pretty Woman" look, like I didn't belong there and she wanted to kick me out! In a very snide tone she asked me "what size are you?" Oh please don't make me answer that! I just said "what sizes do you carry?" She just looked at me. She stared at me like I was the most disgusting thing she ever saw. Did my friends take the hint and and get me out of that store? NO! She went and grabbed the largest sizes she had, which I think were at least 2 or 3 sizes too small for me. My friends insisted I try them on. It was awful, I just kept handing the jeans back and saying "no, these don't work" and my self-esteem just tanked.

It was awful going clothes shopping with anyone. While my girlfriends were always excited at sales and trying on new things, I just dreaded the experience. The sales people always looked at me like I didn't belong there, and everything I tried on never fit. I would be optimistic at times and grab things off the rack to try on, but once I tried to pull those shirts over my head and yank those jeans up, it was the saddest thing. When I would walk out of the dressing room and hand all the clothes back to the sales person, they would always look at me like "I could have told you those wouldn't fit you!"

When I was younger there really wasn't anywhere to shop. Lane Bryant wasn't around in my early years and the options for clothes were so limited. I was always getting teased for the clothes I wore, even into my adult years. When it came time to start working, I had very limited options. The few clothes I managed to find I wore over and over again. People would comment, and I would always feel bad. It was a great victory when I found something new that fit.

I remember one time I was about to start a new job and I had gone out and bought a few new clothes, the few things I managed to find that fit. I went to a party at my friend's condo just before I was about to start that job. He was already working for the same company. I didn't wear one of my new outfits to his party, but I wore one of my more casual outfits I wore all the time. I didn't realize his party was on the dressier side, he never told me. There were people there in nice dresses and formal attire. I already felt out of place just because of that. I didn't know too many of his friends either. As I was talking to him, he did a quick survey of what I was wearing, and in front of a large group of his friends asked me "you do know that this company has a dress code, right?" Did he really have to ask me that in front of all his friends? Of course, several of them looked at me and chuckled a little. All I could say is "yes, I know how to dress professionally, thank you. I didn't realize your party had a dress code." It was not a good memory. When I got home that night I had sent him an email and told him how much his comments had hurt me and he replied that he didn't realize it was hurtful. How could I blame him, really? It seems very few people in society realize how hurtful they are to those that are overweight, mostly women. It seems as if it is socially acceptable to shun, mock, judge, and shame plus size people.

To this day it is hard for me to go shopping and believe something is going to fit me. I always grab a larger size out of habit. I also fear trying new stores that I would have never even glanced at before. It's a stigma that stays with you for a long time.

To any and all sales people out there, it's not okay to treat people that way! We will learn for ourselves something doesn't fit and that maybe we shouldn't be shopping there, but you don't have to make us feel like leopards simply for wanting to shop in your store! Show some consideration for people and treat them like human beings!

My advice to all others is - stop offering your coat! And don't drag your overweight friends into skinny stores and make them try on clothes!

Random Acts of Debbie asks that you take a moment and comment, good or bad, I welcome it all!

Esco-hell!

Anyone know about Escondido, CA? If not, let me share a few of my fonder moments of this lovely place. This is where I work and if I had any say in it, I would definitely relocate my company! I'm sure there are nice places somewhere in Escondido, but not where my company is located, and really it is no place for any corporation to be.

The first time I saw this place was when I came from Michigan for an interview. I had googled the directions and I was staying closer to San Diego. I had no idea how far north Escondido was and I thought for sure I was getting lost. As I exited per the instructions on my google map, I thought I definitely must have been in the wrong place. Why would any corporate office be in the midst of this "seediness"? I made a couple of wrong turns and placed a call to the HR contact at the company. I got the receptionist and she asked me if I saw the Burger King. You lead people to your company by finding a Burger King? At any rate, I found the Burger King and made the turn as she suggested. Sitting in the middle of the street next to a car rental place was this lone building that seemed very ill placed. Welcome to Escondido!

Since working there, I have had a few interesting experiences. There isn't much around the office, a few things in walking distance, but most things you can only get to by car. However, there is a Subway within walking distance and a couple of gas stations. The Subway became my lunch destination early on.

One day I went for a walk around the block, I wanted to stop by the gas station and get some water and gum. As I was walking down the street (by myself) a car pulled up on the curb and the guy rolled down his window and screamed out "you working? how much?!" Um, excuse me? Do I look like a prostitute?? I just replied in a completely offended tone "Are you talking to me? I am not a hooker!" He sped off quickly! My co-workers were very amused by this. In fact, after that story if they saw me walking they would roll down their windows and scream out "how much?"...very funny!

I had hoped that was an isolated incident, maybe I was wearing flashy shoes or something? It wasn't long after that experience I went for another walk. This time just to walk and I went up another block from where I had been before. Big mistake, because I think I was encroaching on some working girl's territory. I was walking down Washington Street and this woman was walking towards me. At first glance I had assumed she was probably a working girl. When she was right in front me she stopped and said "excuse me bitch, but what do you think you are doing?!" I was a little stunned. I just replied "pardon me?" She then said "are you new? you should know this territory is taken! Don't think you can start working here!" Again?? Really?? Is it just because I'm walking alone? Is the area so bad that the only reason a woman would be walking alone is because she's a hooker?? The answer is simply 'Yes'. I kindly responded to her and said "don't worry, I'm not taking over your territory, I was going for a walk." She said "that's what they all say, honey!"

On another occasion I was walking to Subway to get some lunch. I had only made it to the corner on the same street as my office. I had just rounded the corner when a car pulled over and stopped on the street. The person said something out the window that sounded like "Debbie", so I thought maybe I knew him. As I got closer, I could have sworn it was my friends husband. So, I was not leery about approaching the car. However, I soon realized it was not her husband and then I stepped back. The guy asked me "you need a ride?" And I was like "no I don't need a ride, thanks". Then he said "no, I mean do you need a ride?" It was clear to me at that point he was trying to solicit me. This was getting ridiculous! I just got angry this time and was like "no, I don't need a ride! I'm not a hooker damnit!" He freaked out and drove off!

I thought my bad experiences were just limited to being considered a prostitute, but the other day I was walking to the gas station again to get gum (yes, I'm addicted to gum!). There is a fairly large homeless population in Escondido along with the prostitutes. I've never really had much of an issue with the homeless before. I was walking down the sidewalk and I saw a homeless man leaning against the fence. Normally, I just walk by and don't make eye contact. Sometimes they take that as a challenge, so I just keep my eyes forward. As I made my way towards him and about to pass, he just comes forward and kicks me. He kicked me! Why? He screamed something at me, but I couldn't understand it. Maybe he was in partnership with the hooker who's territory I was taking over?? Who knows.

I've come to the conclusion that I need to invoke the buddy system anytime I leave the place by foot!

At least it is a constant source of entertainment. I look forward to the days when there is "activity" in the field behind our office. It is a frequent stopping ground for all the "crazies" in Escondido. The other day a lady was flailing her arms and running around the field and screaming stuff. She kept grabbing at stuff on the ground and throwing it up in the air. We watched with great excitement from our windows as the police came and the drama unfolded. There is always a show! Oh and let's not discount the joy of finding used condoms in the parking lot or seeing people having sex in the back of cars in the day care center's parking lot. Oh, Escondido, how I love thee! NOT! I have affectionately named this home away from home as "Esco-hell". Come visit some time!

Random Acts of Debbie asks that you take a moment and comment, good or bad, I welcome it all!

Escape from Michigan and the awful 'ex'

I moved to Michigan May of 2006 after being out of work for several months, I received a job offer that seemed like a pretty good opportunity. I wasn't sure what Michigan was like, but didn't think it could be too much different from my experiences living in Wisconsin and Illinois. Seems reasonable, right?

I only had a weekend to find a place to live there and I chose an apartment complex in Canton, Michigan. Most people have never heard of it. It's definitely not "city living", that's for sure! I didn't know anyone in Michigan, but figured that through my job and various networking I could make some good friends. I was so wrong. Each month in Michigan was torture. The people I worked with were either married and spent all their free time with their families or they were 50 years old and were not remotely interested in going out or having fun! I tried the local nightlife, but meeting people was impossible. It seems if you are not from Michigan then no one in Michigan wants to get to know you. I know this is a broad generalization and it's probably not true for most of the state, but in my little world it was.

I was depressed and sad all the time. I hated my life there. There was really nothing to look forward to. I met a couple of people that made things bearable, but all I could ever think about was escaping.

Then I met Ryan. I had gone to Ann Arbor one weekend thinking I had a better chance of meeting people there since it was a college town. I don't even recall exactly how I met him (that tells you a lot). I was so depressed with my life there, that I think I was desperate for any kind of relationship or friendship. I immediately took to Ryan and started dating him. I spent all my free time with him and probably took our relationship a little too fast. That is very unlike me, but I wasn't myself there. We had been dating maybe 4 months I think and I got pregnant. At first I was devastated. If you know me, you know having a child or family has never really been in my future plans. Ryan was excited and convinced me I needed to keep the baby and we could make it work. I was about 9 weeks into the pregnancy when I started feeling excited about the idea of it. I think it just hit me all at once that I was going to have a baby, and instead of fear, I felt happy.

When I was about 11 weeks into the pregnancy Ryan told me his fellowship at the University of Michigan was ending and he asked me if I would move with him if he found a job outside of Michigan. I was carrying his baby and I hated my life there, so of course, I enthusiastically said YES! A few months prior I had interviewed with a company in San Diego, but had backed out after I got a negative impression of the company from my experience with their HR person. Ryan suggested I give them a call and see if they still had a position open, because he had heard of an opportunity at San Diego State.

I contacted the company and a few weeks later they got back to me and I picked up where I left off with the interview process. I came out to San Diego to interview (although I was pretty sure I didn't want to work for this company, I thought it was a great opportunity to have fun in San Diego!) After the interview they immediately offered me a job and seemed pretty desperate to get me to join them. I went back to Michigan and thought it over. I wasn't sure I was ready to make so many big changes - having a baby, moving to Southern California, and fast forwarding my relationship with Ryan. It was a lot to take in and added to that was the fact Ryan wanted to marry me.

Ryan hadn't received confirmation on the SDSU job, but had learned from a friend on the inside that he was probably going to get the job, but they worked slowly. He pushed hard for me to take the San Diego job and after much thought and negotiation, I just woke up in the middle of the night one night and it all seemed clear. It felt right. I made all the decisions right then and there. I was moving to San Diego with Ryan and we would be a family. It was more decisions I made in that one moment than I had made in my entire life up to that point!

I was scheduled to start work in San Diego in mid-June. I was organizing my move and starting to get excited. Then once again tragedy struck in my life. One afternoon in May I was experiencing a great deal of pain in my abdomen and I went to the ER. I was 14 almost 15 weeks into my pregnancy. I was so panicked as they hooked up the fetal monitor to me and I saw the desperate looks in the faces of the nurse and doctors. There was no heart beat. I had lost the baby. All I could do was cry.

Ryan was sad too, but we had decided to move forward with our San Diego plans, and he was going to move a few weeks later than me so he could finish things up in Michigan and get confirmation from SDSU on the job.

Yet again, I found myself moving somewhere all alone where I knew absolutely no one. At least I had Ryan to look forward to, it would only be a few weeks.

When I got to San Diego I was excited and ready for a new beginning. I was still hurting quite a bit from my loss, but I was ready to put it behind me and start my life fresh again.

When I started my job, I thought it was going to be Michigan all over again. People didn't seem to like me and no one seemed interested in going out or doing anything fun! I thought I had made another big mistake. I was really anxious for Ryan to arrive. Being all alone all I could think about was the baby and it just made me really sad. I was becoming withdrawn again.

The few weeks went quickly and Ryan arrived in San Diego. We were supposed to live together when he came out here. When he arrived he moved in with me, but things seemed very different. He seemed very cold to me. He had gotten the job at SDSU and while he didn't officially start until the Fall, there were a lot of events and activities he was going to participate in for the summer. He had been here just a couple of weeks when he was invited to a picnic with other SDSU faculty. He was allowed to bring a significant other and I went with him.

While we were at the picnic he was still being kind of cold to me, didn't show me much affection, and didn't really want people to see him "with" me. We met a few other couples and were chatting with them quite a bit at the picnic table we were at. I really liked them. Ryan seemed to be getting along great with a couple of people he met too. I had gone to get some lemonade and when I was making my way back to the table I heard one of the guys ask Ryan "are you really with her? girls a cow! You could do so much better than that! You are in California now, the pool of hot chicks is overflowing!!" I was angry and upset hearing him say that, but was sure Ryan would come to my defense. That's when I heard Ryan say "I know! I just needed her for a little while 'til I could get my own place. If I have to sleep next to her fat ass one more night I'm going to be sick! I already have some nice "talent" lined up..*wink wink*." My heart sunk. How could he have said that about me? This was the same man that only a couple months ago was going to be the father of my baby and wanted this incredible life with me?! Now I was nothing more than a "fat cow"??

I walked up to him and I dumped my lemonade on him and told him "I hope your "talent" works out for you and I want you out of my house tonight!" He just laughed and said "no problem, I have plenty of options." Ugh, he was such a sleaze! How could I have ever thought of marrying him?

It was very recently that I ran into Ryan again. I look very different from how I did in 2007! When he saw me he looked me up and down and said "damn, you look good!", and I kept walking. Then he stopped me and he said "wait, you can't even talk to me a minute?" I asked him "why I should bother, I'm sure there was some "lovely" woman waiting for him somewhere on a cold street corner." He just rolled his eyes and said "are you still bitter over all that?" Bitter?? Was he kidding? What a JERK!! He goes on to say that he's always thought about me and he really didn't understand why things didn't work out with us. He said he always wanted to be with me and that I pushed him away. He said he's spent the last few years trying to find what we had with someone else and nothing ever came close. I wanted to hit him!! I asked him "don't you remember why we ended things and what you said?" All he could reply was "I only said those things because you were hurting me bad pushing me away like you did." OMG! I hate him, I really do. I don't really like to waste the emotion hating anyone, but he is an awful human being.

He doesn't have my phone number anymore since I changed it last year, so now he's emailing me constantly with these sappy letters about how much he loves me and he wants what we had again, and that he always thought I was beautiful. He's a pig.

At least I know now that I'm a great person and I deserve more than that. At one point in my life I didn't know that and I probably would have taken him back. I deserve someone to love me for me and not judge my worth based on my size. He had his chance and he blew it...which turns out to be pretty lucky for me! He is so not good enough!!

Random Acts of Debbie asks that you take a moment and comment, good or bad, I welcome it all!

You're too fat!!

Have you ever gone to an amusement park and feared going on a ride with your friends? Well, I have, but probably not for the same reason as you! It's not that I'm really afraid to go on the ride itself, it's the fear as we approach the ride that the operator will tell me I'm too fat or I don't fit. If you don't believe this happens, trust me, it does :(

It's not just rides either, there are so many things out there that have weight limits and restrictions. I used to constantly fear being in these situations.

I've learned recently from others, I'm not alone, and many have experienced the same fears and humiliation I have encountered. I am sharing some of the most memorable (good or bad) of these moments I have experienced. I hope this helps at least one person know they are not alone!

One of the earliest memories I have is when I went on a beach trip with classmates. One of the activities was a horseback ride on the beach. I was excited, I had rode horses before, and I loved them! I'd never rode one on the beach, but thought it would be great fun. I didn't even think about there being a weight limit. When we went in to organize our group and discuss the rules and specifics of the horseback ride, I saw it right there in front of me, a large sign that said "Weight limit 250 lbs", and my head sunk a little and my heart started to beat a little faster. It was that panic I knew so well, that I was about to be humiliated in front of my classmates because of my weight. I just kept thinking to myself, please don't let them weigh us, I'll just lie! You see I was 275 pounds (I was only 15!) As each of us approached to get our waiver forms we were asked if we had ever rode a horse before and given a quick little tutorial of how to mount the horse. As I approached I saw the lady look at me with concern. I know she didn't want to ask me the question and I know she knew I was over the weight limit. She had to ask though, she was obligated by her job. Out came the question that I was dreading..."do you meet the weight requirements?" as she pointed to the sign, but tried to be subtle so my classmates didn't really know. I paused and squeaked out "yes, I'm just at the weight limit", and she hesitated for a minute and then said "ok." I thought I was in the clear. We all made our way outside and they took us each to our horses to mount for the ride. As I neared my horse, I could swear he was looking at me with an expression that just said "hell no!" I went to mount the horse and he wouldn't stay still and kept moving and making it hard for me to get up. The owner came over and thought I just didn't know what I was doing. I told her I knew how to get on the horse, but she insisted we go over to the picnic table with the horse and I could mount it from up high (standing on the table). I went along with it. As they brought the horse over I walked behind him to go to the picnic table. Just as I was directly behind him he kicked up and kicked me hard in the knee. My knee dislocated and within minutes went numb and was puffy. They insisted that I stay behind and nurse my knee, but I insisted I get on that horse and go. That horse was no dummy, he knew I was a big girl, and he wanted nothing to do with me! The lady asked me again "are you sure you meet the weight requirements?"...and this time most of my classmates heard her and couldn't help but laugh and make jokes amongst themselves. I just mounted that horse and celebrated my minor victory with my big puffy purple knee. Which, by the way, never fully healed and is numb to this day.

The next experience I had after that was Disneyland. I was 23 when I went back to Disneyland with my sister and brother-in-law. The last time I had been there I was only 3 years old. I was really excited to go and couldn't wait to relive all the fun I had as a kid! I didn't realize until we arrived that California Adventure Park had opened too, and we had heard they had some great roller coaster rides! I had always told people I was afraid of roller coasters, because I knew I couldn't fit on most of the rides and I thought by saying I was afraid I could protect myself from the humiliation. You can see where this story is going. My sister and Tim really wanted to go to California Adventure and try out a couple of the roller coaster rides. I agreed to go to the park with them, but said I would go on the other rides, but not the roller coaster. There was the water ride (forget the name of it) where you get in those really big inter tubes essentially and then they spin and go down the path so you get all splashed and what not? Well, you know those rides always tend to spin based on weight distribution, and they put me in with a bunch of little kids, so the tube/boat thing always spun so that I would be the one drenched. Those damn kids came off that thing dry as could be and I was soaked from head to toe! Anyway, that's not really the point of my story. My sister and Tim were not content with this as the only ride I was going on and insisted I go on one of the roller coasters with them. There was no convincing them and I didn't want to say "hey guys I won't fit!" That's just humiliating, even to family (and my sister and Tim are super skinny!) So, I reluctantly got in line. I did a quick survey of the people in line and none were fat. Behind me was a whiney little kid that wouldn't shut up about how slow the line was going and how excited he was to go on the ride. So, eventually we got to the point where it was our turn to get on. My sister and Tim got into the cart in front of me and I sat behind them (I thought I would be alone). Then as they were getting people on the ride, the operator directed the little brat that had been whining to go ahead and get on next to me..um, hello, does anyone else see a problem with trying to put a small child and a fat person in the same seat?? They instructed everyone to put their arms up as they pulled the bar back to lock us in. Of course as it comes down they can't get mine to lock. So they told me to hold my arms all the way up and they would try it again. No luck. They tried a few more times and got it to lock, but then the kid was not properly protected because they had to have it the furthest distance away they could to lock. So they tried to put some foam bumper pad thing on it and the kid was still not properly secure. By this time people were anxious and getting frustrated. People were screaming "kick the fat ass off the ride!" and the kid was whining and screaming when they suggested he could go the next round. Then he yelled and called me fat too! It was awful, I was so humiliated, all I wanted to do was cry. Was that even necessary? The only good thing that came out of it was that my sister and Tim did not pressure me to go on any other rides after that.

Last but not least and probably the saddest for me was when I gained so much weight I couldn't skydive anymore. Some of you might know that I love skydiving. I did quite a bit of it in Milwaukee and Chicago and would go on mostly solo dives. I have done around 50 or so skydives and I love it. It's one of the few things that really clears my mind and makes me feel peaceful. My last year in Chicago was 2005 and I had planned to do a dive that summer. My last dive before that had to have been the summer of 2004, because of the weather in Chicago (cold most of the year) the skydiving season is smaller than out here in California. Well, between 2004 and 2005 I had gained a decent amount of weight. I guess I didn't really realize how much. When I went to the facility to do my dive, I approached the counter with my chute and ready to pay. The guy behind the desk was new, I hadn't seen him before. He looked at me awkwardly and said "I need to get my supervisor, I'll be right back." I was a bit confused and I asked "is there a problem?" He said "I really need him to talk to you." It really didn't register to me what was going on. The supervisor came out and I had seen him before and he definitely knew I was a regular there. He pulled me to the side and he said "I really don't know how to say this and I wish I didn't have to, but I don't think I can let you go up today." I was still perplexed and said "I don't understand, why not? Is there something wrong?" He stumbled to find his words and he said "there's really no good way to say this, but we think you are probably over the weight limit, and unless we can weigh you and verify I can't let you dive." I was instantly hurt. I couldn't even fathom that I had gained so much weight I couldn't dive! This was my favorite thing to do! I was so offended, but agreed to be weighed. When I got on that scale it was like I was just hit with a ton of bricks...there it was in big bold numbers...292. How had I gained that much weight?? I had been down to 260 in 2004. I wanted to cry. I grabbed my chute and ran to my car and did just that.

These are just a few of my stories, but I have many of them ranging across all sorts of activities and involving all kinds of people. I can tell you there were some really sympathetic people out there that spared me from much suffering, but far more people that decided making me feel bad was somehow going to make them feel better.

If you have an overweight friend, family member, or acquaintance and you find yourself in a situation similar to these, please try and think about how he/she is feeling and if they say "no", just let it be! You have no idea how it feels until you've been in their shoes!

And to all my overweight friends out there that have experienced this at any time in your life, I'm here to tell you it can get better, and the journey is long and hard, but the reward is amazing! I have lost 140 pounds and I no longer have to have these fears and the freedom that comes with that is exhilarating! I will be your support!

Random Acts of Debbie asks that you take a moment and comment, good or bad, I welcome it all!

"Push the cow"

When I was younger my family had a cow. I remember the cow from a very young age and I remember they let me name her when I was 4. I called her Bessy...give me a break, I was 4, I couldn't be much more creative than this! I loved that cow, I thought she was our pet. Those big brown eyes were so endearing. I looked forward to going out and seeing Bessy, and while she didn't do much more than stand there and moo occasionally, I thought she was the best cow ever!

You might ask why my parents would have a cow as a pet? I never really thought twice about it when I was a kid, I thought it was normal. I wasn't very observant either. Bessy changed a lot through the years. She was fatter some times, skinnier others, her spots seemed a little different. Her personality a little off at times. I didn't really think anything of it. I had no idea how many "Bessy's" we really had. Yes, that's right, my family was eating Bessy. My parents never had the heart to tell me the cow was for consumption. I didn't learn this until I was 1o. I guess they figured that I was getting old enough I was going to figure it out on my own, just like Santa Clause.

So now that you know all about Bessy, let me tell you how I saved her from burning in the barn! Ok, well I saved her after I caused the barn to burn down! Yes, I have a little problem. Some might call me a pyromaniac. I don't think it's that extreme, I just really like fire. I don't know why, maybe it's the warmth, maybe the beautiful colors of a flame, there's just something about it. So, one night I was hanging out in the barn with the hay bales and Bessy. I had a box of matches and was enjoying one of my favorite past times, playing with fire! How much harm could a little match do?! A lot! So, I was letting one of the matches burn down and I waited a little too long with it in my hand because it was about to burn my fingers. So, naturally I threw the match to prevent burning myself. Just a short time later I smelled something burning and then felt the heat of the flames. Yep, the hay bales had caught fire! Once that happens, there's really no stopping it.

I knew I couldn't stop the inevitable burning of the barn to the ground, but I couldn't let Bessy be an innocent victim! I loved that cow (whatever version of Bessy she was). Plus, I knew my parents would be mad about the barn, but they would be a million times more mad if I killed the cow! I tried to lead Bessy out of the barn, but she just wouldn't go. So, I got behind Bessy and with both hands on her butt cheeks just pushed! (If you haven't experienced the visual of this in my story telling, you are not getting the full effect, but I did my best to describe!) Bessy belted out a couple of annoyed moos, but slowly she started to give in to my pushing and head out of the barn. Yes, I saved Bessy!! I was a hero! Well, I was a short lived hero, until they found out I was the one that burned the barn down. Minor details.

My parents were pretty livid about the barn, but I was right, they did give me credit for saving the cow! I don't want to talk about what happened to Bessy just a few months later :(

Random Acts of Debbie asks that you take a moment and comment, good or bad, I welcome it all!

My mom ruined college for me!

Ever thought your mom was overprotective? Ha! You don't know overprotective until you've experienced my mom! There was a reason I chose a university 2500 miles away from home. I love my mom, but sometimes she needs to let go.

It was my second semester Freshman year when she completely humiliated me and ruined college for me forever! I was working for the department of public safety (I was a yellow jacket...we walked people all over campus from 5pm to midnight...loved it!!). One Thursday night when we finished up our shift, one of my co-workers invited me and the rest of the gang to a party his roommate was having. I didn't have any classes on Friday, so I was totally in! My roommate, who also worked for public safety, had an early morning and decided to go back to our dorm.

I went ahead to the party and upon arriving felt the need to catch up on the drinking since the party had already started...so, I might have drank a little too much in a short time. While I was innocently enjoying myself, I had no idea what was about to happen and what my mom was doing...

She started by calling my roommate and harassing her because I hadn't called and she didn't know where I was. Alicia, who was already sound asleep, informed her that I went to a party with co-workers and that I would probably call her when I got home. My mom did not like this answer! She called Alicia 10 times before she finally took the phone off the hook! Keep in mind, I didn't have a cell phone until Sophomore year, so it wasn't like anyone could get a hold of me.

After she failed to track me down via Alicia, she moved on to calling public safety. Since it was after hours, student safety reps were gone and it was just the full-time safety officers handling the phones. Unfortunately, she happened to get a hold of one of the older officers that was very sympathetic to her panic and concern. She had this man convinced I had been kidnapped or abducted and that only he could save my life! Ugh, she's awful! He said he would keep officers on the lookout for me, but offered my mom the phone number of my supervisor that had worked that evening. My supervisor was a law student and had a MAJOR exam the next day! My mom called her around 2am and broke her down until she caved and gave my mom the phone number of the guys house I was at....noooooo!!!!

So back to me at the party. I was having a great time and definitely had my share of alcohol. I was sitting on the couch and playing with the guys hedgehog (he was so cute!), when I heard the phone ring. I thought nothing of it, it wasn't my house, of course it wouldn't be for me...wrong! Suddenly, I hear someone yell out..."is Debbie still here?" I was a bit startled and I was like "me?", to which he replied "yeah, the phones for you". I answered the phone completely confused..."um hello". Then came the guttural scream that was my mother. She was so loud everyone in the house could hear her yelling at me. It was awful. Instead of just letting her get it out of her system and hanging up and going home, I suddenly got brave (it was the alcohol) and screamed back. I told her she had no control over me and I could do whatever I wanted. I told her she had no right calling me. People at the party even knew what I was doing was a bad idea, I saw their faces just waiting for the reply from my mother, it was as if they were getting ready to witness my death.

She was not happy about my sudden boldness and the screams she let out practically shook the house. I simply hung up the phone with my head hung low and went to grab my jacket. There was a moment of sympathy before they started laughing at me and teasing me about my "mommy calling". It was a brief moment.

From that point forward every party I went to for the next 4 years...people always made a mom joke to me! I never lived it down. Not to mention Alicia and my supervisor hated me! She ruined college! Thanks mom.

Random Acts of Debbie asks that you take a moment and comment, good or bad, I welcome it all!

Will you go to prom with me?

Normally, one would expect to get this question between the ages of 16 to 18, and be excited to attend their high school prom! After all it is kind of a rite of passage, isn't it?

Well, I never heard this question in my high school years. I didn't get to go to my prom. However, I did get this question fairly recently. In case you didn't realize, I'm 32 (about to be 33 in a few weeks). I'm sure you are already getting the wrong idea! I do like to date younger guys, but not that young!

Okay, let me give you a little more detail so you don't continue to judge me! Last fall, I went to a bar downtown in San Diego and I was hanging out with some new friends. While I was there, I was introduced to this guy (he was in the bar and drinking, so presumably legal!) He seemed interesting enough and was able to keep my attention and make me laugh. So, when he asked for my phone number, I saw no issues in giving it to him. Now, keep in mind, none of my friends said anything to me about this guy.

A couple of weeks had gone by and I got a call from him. He started the conversation by saying "I wanted to ask you something", to which I replied "sure, what's up?" That is when he popped the question and said "my prom is coming up and I wanted to ask you if you would be my date?"....um, what?! So, then I asked "is this a fraternity thing? like a fraternity prom social thing?" His voice got a little shaky and he was like "um..no, it's my senior prom, I'm in high school"...seriously?? He looked young, but not that young! I was like "what were you doing in a bar drinking?? do you know I'm 32?!" He said "yes, I think it would be so cool to bring someone in their 30's to my prom! You are so experienced!"....how do I even respond to that??

Of course I did the appropriate thing and respectfully declined his invitation. I really don't want to be Drew Barrymore in "Never Been Kissed"....

Random Acts of Debbie asks that you take a moment and comment, good or bad, I welcome it all!

You suck girl!

Have you ever heard of the band Dogstar?? You're not the only one if you haven't! Well, Dogstar is Keanu Reeves' band that he started back in the mid-1990's. Now, don't get me wrong, I love Keanu...but his band was something to be desired.

I think it was 1995 (might have been 1996) Dogstar came to Portland and they were playing in a small dive bar venue downtown. My friends and I had gotten wind of this and immediately scored tickets to go see them play. It was around the same time the movie "A Walk in the Clouds" was just coming out. So, I was way excited to see Keanu in person. I had a major crush on this guy!

When we entered the venue we staked out our spots pretty close to the stage so we could get a close up view of Keanu and take in all that his band had to offer. When they came out everyone went crazy for Keanu...shouting "Keanu I love you!" (me included). So far, so good, right? Well...then they started to play. Eek. I don't want to be harsh....well, let me finish my story, because the harsh was already delivered. So, needless to say the music wasn't so great. In fact, it really sucked! Not only did it suck, but Keanu sucked the most. I'm not sure what I was expecting, but I was hoping they would at least be mediocre. As they finished up their first set, I was compelled to express my disappointment. It was really loud in the bar and I felt the need to shout my commentary. As I gathered up all my might to shout out "you suck!"...everything fell silent, the music stopped, the crowd calmed...and right when there was pretty much no noise in the joint is when those exact words came belting out of my mouth.

It was the "you suck" heard around the world! As it came out, I looked up at Keanu, and there he was staring right back and me and said "thanks...thanks a lot". OMG! He knew it was me...he was fixated on me like I was his arch nemesis and he wanted to vaporize me with his eyes!

As everything wrapped up, Keanu and his band were retiring to their bus and preparing to sign autographs outside. Of course I wanted his autograph, I still loved Keanu!! My friends and I went outside and lined up in hopes to get his autograph and be that much closer to him. As he was making his way through the crowd and giving his autograph to everyone, he again fixated on me. As he approached, I put out my program and waited anxiously for his autograph. He looked at me and said "really? you think I'm going to give you my autograph? I thought I sucked!" He, indeed, did not give me that autograph! Aw, man, I'm sorry Keanu!

The story doesn't end there! So, last year (2009) I went back home to Portland to spend my birthday with my family. A friend of mine that was also hanging out in Portland around that time organized a birthday gathering for me at a Portland hangout. It was going to be a nice night of drinking and chilling with friends. A little info on my friend...he was a roadie back in the day for Dogstar! Yes, that's right. What he didn't tell me when he organized this birthday party was that Keanu was in town (I guess he hangs out in Portland now and again) and that my friend had invited him to come out that night! I guess this place is one of Keanu's favorites.

So, I show up to my birthday party and I'm greeted by my friends with cheers and birthday wishes. I go to the bar to get my first drink and I feel a tap on my shoulder. I turn around and my friend is getting all excited and says "you gotta come over here!" Somewhat interested in why he was so excited, I went ahead and followed. The crowd cleared a little and there he was...Keanu! My friend actually didn't know the "you suck" story and he introduced me to Keanu and said "this is my friend Debbie, the birthday girl!" Keanu paused for a minute, gave me a puzzled look and then says "You're the 'you suck' girl!". Holy shit!! 14 years later and Keanu remembered I told him he sucked?! And he had named me the "you suck girl"!

We laughed it off and he played happy birthday on his guitar and sang to me! Of course, at the end he asked me "did that suck, too?" This time, I was more than happy to offer him kudos!

After all that, Keanu still did not give me his autograph! Bitter much, Keanu??

Random Acts of Debbie asks that you take a moment and comment, good or bad, I welcome it all!

Excuse me...you left your pants!

Last February (2009) I had to travel to San Francisco for work and it happened to coincide with Valentine's Day weekend. I was actually traveling with a few co-workers and some of us decided to stay the weekend. I finished up my client meetings on Friday and then Saturday morning I went off to Napa to spend a day wine tasting with Vicki and Kelli.

We had a great day taking in the Napa Valley and tasting some fabulous wine. So, you would think when my friends dropped me off at the Hyatt to settle in for the evening, that would have been the end of my Valentine's Day, right? Not exactly.

I checked in to the hotel and was immediately taken in by the ambiance of the lobby and the music and entertainment in the lounge. I went up to my room to relax and settle in, and when I arrived inside the room I found an invitation to come down to the lounge and have a complimentary drink at the bar to celebrate V-day. I figured "why not?", I'm alone on V-day and who would turn down a free drink??

I headed down to the lobby and redeemed my free drink. Of course, once I was down there I wanted to take in all that the Hyatt had to offer and decided to find myself a nice place to do some people watching. I found a lovely little area of the lounge where I relaxed with my drink and started to soak in all that was around me. As I glanced around the lounge, my eyes came in contact with a pleasing gentleman directly across from me that happened to be staring at me as I glanced in his direction. He quickly perked up when my gaze landed on him and got up with his drink and came over to sit by me.

As he approached he was like "are you Karen?" Quickly, I realized this was a case of mistaken identity and the temporary excitement I was feeling faded almost instantly. I promptly responded "no, I'm not." Then he got this look of disappointment and said "I can't believe this is happening to me again!" After some discussion he had informed me that he had been stood up for the last three Valentine's and that he was supposed to meet a blind date that evening. He had supposedly been waiting over an hour and when he saw me alone and looking around, he figured I was the blind date. I can't really say if this is really true or if this was his standard V-day pick up line, and maybe he came to the Hyatt annually to pick up single women...who knows.

We decided since we were both alone to make the best of it and enjoy each other's company a bit longer over SEVERAL more drinks. After much chatting and much drinking, we managed to make it back to my room.

I don't remember too much about the details of the evening after that, but I do remember the next morning. I woke up alone, but as I surveyed the room I noticed his pants were on the floor and his wallet was on the table. I was baffled...where had he gone and without his pants?! I figured he must have been in the bathroom or maybe out in the hall (possibly locked out??), but when I checked I found nothing. I roamed a little further out in the hall and even went down to the lobby to see if there was any sign of him and nothing. I didn't even recall his name, I had no idea how to contact this guy. All I could imagine was this guy in his underwear walking the streets of San Fran with no money and no pants!!

I checked his wallet and found his license was in it and over $100 in cash. I figured what must have happened was that he left the room at some point and when he tried to return he didn't have the key card. I was zonked out and sound asleep, so I probably never heard his knocking. I just don't understand why he wouldn't have just stayed outside the door until the morning though?? So strange! I also can't figure out why he would be leaving the room without pants? Ice machine maybe??

As I prepared to check out, I took his pants and neatly folded them along with his wallet, and I brought them down to the lobby. How was I supposed to explain this to the front desk?! I approached the girl at the counter and I hesitated for a minute when she asked how she could help me. I awkwardly said "I need to leave these pants and wallet with you in your...um...well..lost and found, I guess". She looked at me strangely and then said "where did they come from?" All I could think in my head is this girl was totally judging me at that moment, but I felt no shame...I just said "they were left in my room and I don't really know the person that left them, his license is in the wallet so I'm hoping you can find him that way." She grinned slightly and she said "was this a hotel guest that left them in the room?" and I just sheepishly said "I don't really know, I just met him in the lounge, but I hope you find him, thanks!" She ended it with "thank you ma'am, I hope you enjoyed your stay at the Hyatt and we hope to see you again soon"....I'm not so sure they really mean that last part!

I left feeling satisfied I had at least done the right thing and whatever happened after that was up to the very tactful employees of the Hyatt!

Random Acts of Debbie asks that you take a moment and comment, good or bad, I welcome it all!